I know I’m in the middle of my series on moving right now, but I just need to vent a little.
I am so angry. And scared. And tired. And full of nerves and butterflies and all the emotions that say that I should just watch Jane the Virgin and forget about my problems.
Little background: I was talking to my dad today about life, and he asked me what I planned to do with my degree since I didn’t want to teach. I said I have no idea. Then he started talking about my future and how I should have figured out what I wanted to do before I chose my major. But* all can think is All I’ve Ever Wanted to Do Is Write. Ever since I was in the third grade, it’s all I’ve ever wanted, and now I’m 22. I know my life’s not over, but I rarely write what I want to write anymore. School gets in the way because I’m so bogged down by all the stuff I have to write there. 4 six-page essays due in one week, and 1 forty-page essay (-real quick, I was so proud of that thing and literally no one cared. Figures-) due the following week. It takes up so much time, and is it all really worth it?
Cause there are only two things I’ve ever know for certain that I wanted to be: A writer and a mom. Now obviously, the second one is a long ways away because nobody wants to date me, but the first one should be what I’m focusing on. In high school, I said that when I got out, I’d have more time to right because I wouldn’t be in a classroom everyday. Then I got out and I had even less time to write because Government Aid is useless when it goes by your parents’ income and not your own. (“Look at me! I’m poor! I’m alone! *demon voice* PLEASE GIVE ME MONEY FOR SCHOOL!!”)
I am so incredibly jealous of all those people whose parents (and in some cases, spouses) can afford to send them to school without them having to work. I met a girl once who complained because her parents only gave her $200 a week to run on at a school where her meals and tuition were already being paid for by said parents. I looked at her and said I can barely afford the gas to drive here because I’m paying so much money to be here.
The sad part is school, something I genuinely enjoyed, has become so tedious. I hate it so much, and I’m about to have to transfer again because of the move. I keep flashing back to my cousin saying you don’t need a degree to write and then flashing back to the thousands of people who have said if you go to college you’ll get a job. Those liars! I got my associate’s, which is a degree by the way**, and all it does is allow me to put down that I have a little more education than the next applicant. None of these places that are hiring care that I have an associate’s degree. Some places don’t even care that you have a bachelor’s degree.
Back to the point, writing is something I’ve always enjoyed. I think in sentence structure and plot lines.*** This craft isn’t just something I fell into. I’ve studied it. I’ve hungered for the knowledge of the thousands of men and women who came before me also begging to be heard, to be allowed to speak before their time was up. It’s my turn now. It’s my turn to stand, to be heard, to allow the words to fly off the page and ignite the fires that burn low in the hearts of the people who read them… As the words of the thousands before me also allowed the words to fly off the page and ignite the fire within my own heart.****
My degree might not be important. I know my novel is. I know that eight years of groundwork can’t be for nothing. My degree might have to wait, and maybe that’s for the best.
*I started a sentence with ‘but’. I know it’s against grammar laws.
**Every site that pops up when you ask what you can do with an associate’s degree says that it isn’t a degree at all. I worked hard for it, and it gave me a step up in every university I applied to after I got it. It isn’t useless, and it wasn’t easy. Also if you go to a four year university, follow their degree program, and do two years, then you end up with some college education instead of a degree because some places do try to slip in more major requirements in the first two years. Or your advisor could just screw you over. Don’t think they won’t! My 1st advisor (also the head of the department) at my four year put me in two classes I didn’t need and then in two classes I wasn’t supposed to have taken until my senior year.
***I own that phrase! If anyone gets to put it on a T-shirt, it’s me.
Again, I do not own pictures. I have not reached that level yet. Give me some time to grow. Also I’ve been working on post two in The Process of Moving, and it should be up by Friday. I just had to get this out of me. Thank you so much for reading!